So, I disabled America Online Instant Messenger (AIM) from my computer and boy do I feel good about it. Whew! What a monkey off my back, you know? That thing almost killed me. There is a reason I don't own a TV. I don't do well with mindless activities. I enjoy them way too much.

I first got AOL Instant Messenger when I was a sophomore in college. I think at that point I did it to talk to my friend Jesse who lived in a room on the next floor up in my dorm. Mindless. That time came and went and then I saw this girl at work, this girl at work who, goodness, you would never guess, you wouldn't even make up the kind of bad work she does here. She does all kinds of wrong things, one of which was to spend her entire work day on AIM.

I thought: "Geez, be a little more subtle about everything, 'kay girly?" But then I thought: "OhmygodIwantone," which is what I often think about neat-o tech things.

That is where they getcha. It's free! Can you imagine if Palm Pilots were free? Everybody would have them. And those of us who already have one (yeah, mine's a Palm III, but I don't care--it's all I need) would get more. At least five on us at all times. One for business. One for pleasure. One for family. Two for show.

So I got AIM back. It took 7 minutes to download via my super-duper but actually really normal internet connection and I thought that was a fair trade off: 7 minutes of putting on some catchy music (was it The Beatles? Is that cliche?) and dancing around my apartment in my socks until that magical people-connecting machine was installed. Presto!

At that point I knew two people who used AIM. I will keep their identities a secret. I will only refer to them by their AIM screennames, which will not actually be their REAL AIM screennames, though I'm sure if you want to you could put in these fake screennames and get somebody real. If you want.

So, the two people I knew were V123 and xmartgrrrl, and I don't even really know xmartgrrrl, she just does some things I admire and we email sometimes and I trust her and stuff. V123 I know on the real. As in, we've had our share of awkward moments (see my forthcoming article "HOW EVEN CUTE LITTLE GAY BOIS CAN HAVE GIRL TROUBLE").

In the beginning, I would slip into AIM a couple times a week, while checking my email and the like, and sometimes V123 would be around and we would have our little chats. They were nice. They were, you know, chatty little chats with lots of smiley faces :) and exclamation points !!! and internet codewords like "lol" and some others I can't think of right now. And while it's true that I find all of those things annoying and somehow cliquish that is only a fraction of the reason I began to hate AIM.

The first big reason was actually the fact that V123 and I started AIMing all over the place, all the time, like rabbits or something, and yet talking (as in, you know, using our voices and stuff) less and less. And we live only a few miles apart. We would address this in our chats (my former screenname was DAT, only not really. I'm concealing my old screenname as well, just in case I go back on my word and return to AIM in the future, in which case I don't want you, you sicko, AIMing me all the time, okay?):

DAT: I can't believe we live only a few miles apart and yet I have to AIM you to get in touch.
V123: I know!!!
DAT: I know! :)
V123: lol

You can see where I had problems with this.

Then, one day, while entertaining myself on the internet, I came across The cutest boy you have ever seen. Maybe not ever, but this boy was really cute. And he lived in New York and was from South Africa, so I, the budding food journalist, emailed him and recommended the only South African restaurant in NYC (which happens to be just two blocks from my house, by the way). He wrote me back immediately, so I was all: Wow! We're online at the same time! We shoulda just AIMed each other! And he was all: Here's my screenname! And I was all: Cool! And I AIMed him a little bit later.

DAT: Hi. It's David. The restaurant guy.
cutesouthafricanboy: Oh! Hi!
(long pause)
DAT: How's it going?
cutesouthafricanboi: How are you?
DAT: fine
cutesouthafricanboi: oops. fine.
(pause)
cutesouthafricanboi: lol !!!

You cannot have a real conversation on AIM. It is very hard to conversate without talking. It just is. There is no sense of timing, no facial expressions to help along the way (those fucking smiley faces don't count, okay?), and, worst of all, no sense of humor or awkwardness. An example (keep in mind you are coming in at the middle of the chat):

xmartgrrrl: well, I'm shallow, too.
DAT: No you're not, you're nice.
xmartgrrrl: I'm not nice!
DAT: You're so nice you're one of those people who lies about being nice and tries to make people believe you're not nice because you feel uncomfortable with the whole world knowing how nice you are.
xmartgrrrl: How the hell would you know?

Note to Xmartgrrrl: I was joking. It was a joke. Do you see where I'm going with this? Had we been face to face in a nice little coffee shop somewhere in some nice little trendy part of some up-and-coming town there would have been no misunderstanding. Okay, to be honest, xmartgrrrl didn't really use the word "hell" in that last sentence and there really wasn't any misunderstanding (I don't think) but believe me, things like that have and do happen all the time. It happened all the time with cutesouthafricanboy, even though he was so adorable and nice. I just can't think of an example at the moment. (Sorry, xmartgrrrl).

Anyway, after a few conversations with the boy and several more with V123 and xmartgrrrl I decided that I was A) tired of having awkward moments when I was alone in my apartment, sitting in front of my computer, and B) wasting a lot of precious time on AIM, time that I could spend writing long articles about how much I hate AIM and other gripes. So I said to the boy: I'm disabling AIM, see ya, and he said: I'll miss you, and I said: email me (but we'll see if he does). And I told xmartgrrrl: I hate AIM and she was all: no you don't, you love it, and I was all: do not! and she was all: you hate that you love it! and I was all: perhaps but still...and then I deleted the thing.

It took much less time than installing it did. Quick and efficient. I think that was a sign.

I have yet to tell V123 about my big decision. She'll probably log on when she gets to work on Monday and wonder where I am. After a while she'll probably pick up the phone and call me. And if you wanna I'll bet you a million dollars that I can guess the first thing we say to each other. I'll bet anything that we'll say "Hello", and then, quickly, "God it's good to hear your voice."